What a blessing it is to be alive!

So I know I haven't written in a LONG time, and I'm sorry about that. Quick update on a lot of things that have happened - we are pregnant with twins (a boy - Boston Matthew and, a girl - Ellie Sue) and we're due September 4! I'm 31 weeks exactly today, measuring 37/38 weeks but doing well! I'm getting huge and the babies are moving around a lot, and we're excited to meet them (hopefully not until August sometime though - the doctor will induce us at 38 weeks (August 21) if they're not born before then).

Anyway, I was attempting to paint my toenails today while Landon took a nap, and I was laughing at myself because I could hardly breathe while doing it haha (I just decided to have Jeff paint them later tonight for me). So then my dad called and said he had a really cool story to tell me, and it has left me feeling extremely blessed to be here on this Earth, and for grateful for all of the many blessings I have. Jeff told me I should write this down so I remembered, so I figured I'd write in my blog about it so we have it on record forever. :)

My dad was out in a golf tournament today, and he and his friend were playing against some other guys my dad didn't know. After talking a little while, he found out one of them was (or at least had been) a hospital administrator for the Neo-Natal clinic at Utah Valley hospital. My dad said "Oh really? My daughter was born and stayed there for a while." The doctor asked when it was, and he said, "1988 - she had Strep B." Then the guy said "Wait, is your last name Cottrell?"

Come to find out that this guy was an administrator when I was born, and he actually remembered my case from over 29 years ago. He said, "Wasn't your daughter hooked up to about 25-26 tubes, and just really struggling to make it?" My dad said, "Yeah her lung collapsed, she died for a few minutes, she really had a rough go and had a lot of problems after that. I can't believe you remember her from so long ago!" The doctor responded, "When you're in our line of work, you ALWAYS remember the ones that were not supposed to make it, but make it."

Wow.

The doctor said he remembers that they did everything they possibly could for me, but they knew that even if I survived my chances of having a normal life were not good. He asked my dad, "Can I ask, is your daughter still alive?" My dad said, "Yeah, she's 29, she graduated from Utah State, married a great guy, has a little boy and is pregnant with twins right now." He was blown away and said, "Can I ask, is she 'normal'? Does she have problems with her sight, hearing, anything like that?" Dad responded, "No not at all! She's smart, doesn't have any mental problems or any vision or hearing problems like she was supposed to have. When she got out of the hospital for months we went to all the doctors that were recommended and got all the tests done they told us to do, and everything came back totally normal."

He was stunned, and simply responded, "That is just a miracle, there is no reason at all why she should be normal. Every nurse, doctor and administrator in that hospital was convinced that your daughter would never have a normal life. I mean it just doesn't happen with everything she went through. It is really nothing short of a miracle!"

Today especially, I look at my life and I am so grateful for everything! I am grateful that I am normal, that I have a no major health problems, that I am married to the best man I know, have a beautiful little boy and have Boston Matthew and Ellie Sue on the way. I know that some of you may not believe in a higher power or are struggling to believe, but I KNOW that he was watching over me to make sure that I was alright, and guiding the doctors and nurses to know what to do. The fact that I am here and writing this right now just proves to me that God exists and that he does perform miracles! I know that he watches over me now, watches over my family and especially our little twins.

I'm also grateful that we are tested for Group B Strep now for pregnancies. Over the years, my dad has randomly spoken to a few of the doctors that took care of me when I was a baby, and one of them told him that my case was so severe that it was what convinced the board in Utah that they needed to make testing for Group B Strep standard to avoid having that happen again. I had Group B Strep with Landon and also have it with the twins, but they just do IV antibiotics when you're in labor before the babies are born and the babies will be just fine. For me it's another huge blessing that Landon was born without the complications I had. Miracles are there when you look for them!

Your Body is NOT Your Enemy!

Sorry for the delay in writing this everyone, we've had a lot going on haha. And I think I've been avoiding writing this because it's really personal, but I want to have a record of it so I can go back to it. And for those of you who are dealing with infertility and can understand, I think it's good for me to post these things so that you can see that you don't suffer alone and that I can relate and this might help with your own struggles (and if you need to talk anytime I am happy to talk!).

So in a session I had about a month ago, John wanted me to make my interpretation of "an empty womb," and then write something about it. He said I could draw it, sculpt it or paint it, whatever I wanted. So I chose to sculpted it, and I circled what I made in the picture below:

And this is what I wrote (this isn't meant to sound amazing, I just wrote it when I was having a really rough day haha):

"Empty and still. No life and no movement. I do everything I can, but it still isn't enough to have another child. I feel like a failure, and heartbroken. Each time it doesn't happen it's like a gaping hole, like part of me has been ripped out of my body. I wake up feeling kicks and wiggles inside me, only to find I've been dreaming and I am still as barren as before.
I want to cry out "Heavenly Father, why is this so hard? If it doesn't need to happen for a while, why do I feel like we should try to get pregnant now? Why do I have to experience all this heartache when some people just get surprise pregnancies? This isn't fair! I can't do this anymore and I want to give up trying to get pregnant. I could get back on anti-depressants until it's the right time so life can be a little easier, if you would just tell me that right now isn't the right time." But I know that's not how it works.
I am obedient, and I will do what the Lord wants, but sometimes I don't understand why or even what He wants. I want another child, for Landon to have a sibling to love, watch over and play with. And Jeff and I want a bigger family with another little one. The aching emptiness is almost unbearable at times, especially not knowing when it will happen. Even if I just knew I'd be pregnant within a year, then at least I'd know the maximum I'd have to wait.
It will happen someday. For now, I'm stuck with cyst-ridden, painful ovaries and an empty womb."

I bawled so hard when I read this to him, even harder than I did when I actually wrote it. I was angry with my body for not working right and feeling so frustrated because I honestly didn't know what else I could possibly do. After a little while, John said "Ok, now I want you to write from the perspective of the empty womb. If it could talk, what do you think it would say to you?"

I laughed a little bit, because it feels silly since my reproductive system can't really talk, but I went along with it. Here is what I wrote for that:

"I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing. I've born a child before, even had some regular cycles, but I can't seem to get it right. Something is missing, but I am still here and I am trying. I may not be perfect or work perfectly but I am doing my best. I want to have another baby too, and cradle it and take care of it. All the other wombs in your family don't seem to have this problem, and I'm not sure why I'm the one who struggles.
I've done it once before though, and I know that eventually I can do it again."

After a pause John asked me how I felt about what my womb just said to me. I told him that I felt a huge amount of peace! I realized that my body isn't working against me, and that it's just as confused as I am. It wants the same thing that I do - it wants to be pregnant and have another baby, but it's not sure what to do either. It is not working against me, it is trying to give me what I want and it's just as confused and frustrated as I am.

So John asked me to write back to my womb, and this is what I wrote:

"I understand how you feel. I'm trying to do everything I can to help you out, like eating right, trying to not stress and take medicines to help you. I'm sorry I was upset. I know that you didn't choose to be this way and that you want what I want. I'll keep doing my best, and I know that you will too.
I'm not angry with you, we're both just trying to figure out what to do."

There was so much power and peace that came once I felt like my body and I were on the same page. A lot of my frustration went out the window, and I felt more sympathy for my reproductive system. When I started my period a few days after the session, of course I was sad but I wasn't angry with my body. I know it sounds odd, but I was actually proud of my body because it had a cycle on its own and was kind of getting the hang of things a little bit! Way to go body! Haha.

So then he had me set up the sand tray that I have in that picture above, and I will talk more about it in my next post. He then told me to pick 2 songs - the first to represent how I feel when I'm at peace with my body, and the second to represent when I'm at war with my body. I will chat about those next time.

I just wanted to encourage anyone who has any troubles with their bodies (whether fertility-wise or anything else with your body) to write your body a letter, and then have your body write a letter back to you. You might be surprised what happens.

Also, we went to our fertility specialist today and have an egg ready on each ovary (YAY!)! I'll be taking the HCG trigger shot today, and we'll be doing IUI (Intra-Uterine Insemination) on Sunday. So please pray for us or send positive vibes our way, and hopefully this cycle will work for us. Thanks!

You are of Great Worth

Alrighty so y'all know I've been going to my awesome therapist, John, to help with anxiety and depression. We do something called Sand Play in some of our sessions, and I'll explain it briefly for those of you who don't know what that is.

Basically John has an entire room with thousands and thousands of action figures and toys (yeah it's AWESOME!). So you pick a tray of sand you like (he usually has about 7-10 of them), and then you pick up a container and pick whatever figures and toys stick out to you. Then you put them in the sand tray, and arrange them however you think they should be arranged and then talk about what's going on in the scene you've created, why you put different things in different places and/or what each item represents to you. It's truly amazing how much it reveals about how you feel and what's going on in your subconscious - and we English people LOVE it because of its symbolism and it has lots of interpretations and deeper meaning. You could seriously analyse it forever!

So, I went in on Wednesday and here is a picture of the Sand Play tray that I made:

So there is a lot going on here, but I just want to focus on a few things. First is the jewels in the bottom left hand corner. When I came to therapy the first time a few years ago, the jewels like that have always represented my self-worth no matter where I put them or how I use them. I actually have a collection of them at home on display in our entertainment center to remind me of the lessons I've learned and that who I am and what I am worth is truly beautiful and stunning. 

Here is a picture of the Sand Play tray from the top (there is a pregnant belly above the Willow Tree couple that you can't really see very well in the previous picture):

So John (my therapist) wanted to talk about the cage and why I thought I chose a cage to be by Christ. I told him that I felt like from the process of therapy it would help me feel free from my depression and anxiety. He told me to focus on the pregnant belly on the right - it was filled with a baby, but the cage by Christ is empty.

That hit home, and I broke down. He said, "And there it is," as he gave me a tissue as I laughed a little.

He asked me what that meant to me, and I said "I feel like my body is a cage. It's empty. I'm trapped. I'm doing everything I can to get it working right but I still can't get pregnant. And I feel helpless sometimes, because I want to give Jeff everything he wants and I know he wants another baby just as bad as I do, but I can't give it to him. I'm letting him down and my family down, and really myself down too."

John sat quietly for a minute and said "You know, EVERYONE in this life goes through times where their body rebels and doesn't do what we want it to do. Illnesses, cancer, heart attacks, aging, all that stuff makes us not able to do the things that we would like to do. You are just experiencing your body not doing what you want at a much younger age than the rest of us."

"Yeah I guess that's true. We get older at some point and that gives our bodies limits," I said.

He pointed to the cage and said, "Do you see that your cage is right next to the Savior?"

"Yeah it's true, it's really close," I replied.

John said, "Alisa, the Savior knows exactly how you feel. He knows that you want another child so badly and that you feel like your body is broken. He wants you to come to him and be comforted by him. Also, your self worth jewels are not by the cage, and are on the total opposite side of the Savior. Your self worth is NOT determined by what your body can or cannot do! Our souls and spirits are who we are, not our bodies. When we die and we are separated from our bodies, who we are doesn't die because it's with our spirit.

"Where is the Savior facing?"

I looked and said, "He's facing all the things that represent Jeff, Landon, my family and the great things I have in my life."

"Yes, he is," he said. "The Savior is here to comfort, help, heal and strengthen you, but he also wants you to focus on the wonderful things that you have in your life. You have so many things to be grateful for and that you can fill your life with."


He continued, "You need to keep telling yourself that you are not your body! Your worth doesn't lie in your ability to have children or not. Look at the couple adoring that little baby that you put right there.

"Do you think that they tell that baby 'We love you so much, but not as much if your body doesn't work right?'"

I laughed and said, "No way, that's DEFINITELY not true."

He paused and said, "Do you think these parents would say, 'You are worth so much to us, but only if you can have children.'"

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I realized that that's how I felt about myself, but that's certainly NOT how Jeff or my family felt about me. "No," I said, "That child still has infinite worth. He or she is a child of God, and is their child, and will always have great and infinite worth no matter what their body is or isn't capable of."

He reminded me that this is the mentality that I need to have and I need to keep reminding myself that my worth is not my body. I know my battle isn't over, but this reminder has already helped me so much even just in the last few days!

I wanted to share this brief story with you not to gain sympathy or pity, but to remind any of you out there who are struggling that YOU HAVE GREAT WORTH! We are all children of our Heavenly Father, and your abilities DO NOT define you or the amount of love that you have or deserve. Heavenly Father and Christ will always love you no matter what, and you are NEVER worthless - it is not possible for you to be worthless as his child! We all have our struggles, and the one person who will always understand you is our Savior - he wants to help you, dry your tears and heal you, and all you need to do is turn to him and lay your burdens at his feet.

Jeff and I are in the middle of a long journey that we have traveled once before, and are heartbroken to be on this journey again, but we also know that everything will work out and that God will keep his promises to us. I know we will have another child because we have been promised it, and I know that our Heavenly Father's plan and timing for us is much better than what we want for ourselves. I am so grateful for the knowledge of the gospel, and for the infinite atonement of our Savior so that he can help and heal us perfectly and that we can return and live with Him and our Father again.

Our First Blog Post!

Alrighty, well let's do a brief intro so you can learn a little bit about us. Jeff and I were sealed for time and all eternity in the Oquirrh Mountain Temple September 23, 2011. So we have been married for just over 5 years and seriously love every minute of it! We have our son Landon who is two years old, and he is our pride and joy! :D He is the happiest kid I have ever known, and he is so sweet and loving, and seriously adds so much happiness to our lives. :) We are hoping to be pregnant with baby #2 sometime soon.

We belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Later-Day Saints (we are Mormons) and we are proud of it! Our General Conference was just this last weekend, and I really felt that I needed to start writing a blog of our family. I plan on writing about the awesome and happy things that happen in our family, but also some of our trials. I believe that we all help and uplift each other by sharing experiences, and I wanted to share a little bit about what we're going through right now.

Those of you who know us well know that it took us 2 years to get pregnant with our sweet Landon, and we've been trying for almost a year to get pregnant with our next little one. I was diagnosed with PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome about 10 years ago (I have about 30 + cysts on each ovary currently), and I also have endometriosis. I wanted to do what I could to make trying to conceive easier the second time around, so with Jeff's help, being consistent with my PCOS medicine (Metformin) and a great start from the Utah Fertility Center, I've been able to lose 50 pounds (WOOT!).

We went to our OB/GYN and started taking Femara about 6 months ago to help kickstart ovulation, and thankfully it seems that I am able to now ovulate on my own with that medicine. :) However we still haven't been able to get pregnant, so this month we are trying IntraUterine Insemination (IUI). We are excited because that is how we got pregnant with Landon (after a surgery to remove some endometriosis and some ovarian drilling to remove some cysts), but it is an expensive, emotional and a little stressful procedure haha.

Anyway, since we've been trying to get pregnant, I've had to get off my anti-depressants and so my depression and anxiety have been a little harder to handle. I'm seeing an amazing therapist, but I also love to write so I think that it will help with the emotional part by writing in this blog haha. Life is tough for everyone - none of us are spared from having trials. But I KNOW that our burdens are made lighter through Christ! Yes life can be hard, but there are always many things that we have to be grateful for and we can still be positive. :)