Your Body is NOT Your Enemy!

Sorry for the delay in writing this everyone, we've had a lot going on haha. And I think I've been avoiding writing this because it's really personal, but I want to have a record of it so I can go back to it. And for those of you who are dealing with infertility and can understand, I think it's good for me to post these things so that you can see that you don't suffer alone and that I can relate and this might help with your own struggles (and if you need to talk anytime I am happy to talk!).

So in a session I had about a month ago, John wanted me to make my interpretation of "an empty womb," and then write something about it. He said I could draw it, sculpt it or paint it, whatever I wanted. So I chose to sculpted it, and I circled what I made in the picture below:

And this is what I wrote (this isn't meant to sound amazing, I just wrote it when I was having a really rough day haha):

"Empty and still. No life and no movement. I do everything I can, but it still isn't enough to have another child. I feel like a failure, and heartbroken. Each time it doesn't happen it's like a gaping hole, like part of me has been ripped out of my body. I wake up feeling kicks and wiggles inside me, only to find I've been dreaming and I am still as barren as before.
I want to cry out "Heavenly Father, why is this so hard? If it doesn't need to happen for a while, why do I feel like we should try to get pregnant now? Why do I have to experience all this heartache when some people just get surprise pregnancies? This isn't fair! I can't do this anymore and I want to give up trying to get pregnant. I could get back on anti-depressants until it's the right time so life can be a little easier, if you would just tell me that right now isn't the right time." But I know that's not how it works.
I am obedient, and I will do what the Lord wants, but sometimes I don't understand why or even what He wants. I want another child, for Landon to have a sibling to love, watch over and play with. And Jeff and I want a bigger family with another little one. The aching emptiness is almost unbearable at times, especially not knowing when it will happen. Even if I just knew I'd be pregnant within a year, then at least I'd know the maximum I'd have to wait.
It will happen someday. For now, I'm stuck with cyst-ridden, painful ovaries and an empty womb."

I bawled so hard when I read this to him, even harder than I did when I actually wrote it. I was angry with my body for not working right and feeling so frustrated because I honestly didn't know what else I could possibly do. After a little while, John said "Ok, now I want you to write from the perspective of the empty womb. If it could talk, what do you think it would say to you?"

I laughed a little bit, because it feels silly since my reproductive system can't really talk, but I went along with it. Here is what I wrote for that:

"I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing. I've born a child before, even had some regular cycles, but I can't seem to get it right. Something is missing, but I am still here and I am trying. I may not be perfect or work perfectly but I am doing my best. I want to have another baby too, and cradle it and take care of it. All the other wombs in your family don't seem to have this problem, and I'm not sure why I'm the one who struggles.
I've done it once before though, and I know that eventually I can do it again."

After a pause John asked me how I felt about what my womb just said to me. I told him that I felt a huge amount of peace! I realized that my body isn't working against me, and that it's just as confused as I am. It wants the same thing that I do - it wants to be pregnant and have another baby, but it's not sure what to do either. It is not working against me, it is trying to give me what I want and it's just as confused and frustrated as I am.

So John asked me to write back to my womb, and this is what I wrote:

"I understand how you feel. I'm trying to do everything I can to help you out, like eating right, trying to not stress and take medicines to help you. I'm sorry I was upset. I know that you didn't choose to be this way and that you want what I want. I'll keep doing my best, and I know that you will too.
I'm not angry with you, we're both just trying to figure out what to do."

There was so much power and peace that came once I felt like my body and I were on the same page. A lot of my frustration went out the window, and I felt more sympathy for my reproductive system. When I started my period a few days after the session, of course I was sad but I wasn't angry with my body. I know it sounds odd, but I was actually proud of my body because it had a cycle on its own and was kind of getting the hang of things a little bit! Way to go body! Haha.

So then he had me set up the sand tray that I have in that picture above, and I will talk more about it in my next post. He then told me to pick 2 songs - the first to represent how I feel when I'm at peace with my body, and the second to represent when I'm at war with my body. I will chat about those next time.

I just wanted to encourage anyone who has any troubles with their bodies (whether fertility-wise or anything else with your body) to write your body a letter, and then have your body write a letter back to you. You might be surprised what happens.

Also, we went to our fertility specialist today and have an egg ready on each ovary (YAY!)! I'll be taking the HCG trigger shot today, and we'll be doing IUI (Intra-Uterine Insemination) on Sunday. So please pray for us or send positive vibes our way, and hopefully this cycle will work for us. Thanks!