Basically John has an entire room with thousands and thousands of action figures and toys (yeah it's AWESOME!). So you pick a tray of sand you like (he usually has about 7-10 of them), and then you pick up a container and pick whatever figures and toys stick out to you. Then you put them in the sand tray, and arrange them however you think they should be arranged and then talk about what's going on in the scene you've created, why you put different things in different places and/or what each item represents to you. It's truly amazing how much it reveals about how you feel and what's going on in your subconscious - and we English people LOVE it because of its symbolism and it has lots of interpretations and deeper meaning. You could seriously analyse it forever!
So, I went in on Wednesday and here is a picture of the Sand Play tray that I made:
So there is a lot going on here, but I just want to focus on a few things. First is the jewels in the bottom left hand corner. When I came to therapy the first time a few years ago, the jewels like that have always represented my self-worth no matter where I put them or how I use them. I actually have a collection of them at home on display in our entertainment center to remind me of the lessons I've learned and that who I am and what I am worth is truly beautiful and stunning.
Here is a picture of the Sand Play tray from the top (there is a pregnant belly above the Willow Tree couple that you can't really see very well in the previous picture):
That hit home, and I broke down. He said, "And there it is," as he gave me a tissue as I laughed a little.
John sat quietly for a minute and said "You know, EVERYONE in this life goes through times where their body rebels and doesn't do what we want it to do. Illnesses, cancer, heart attacks, aging, all that stuff makes us not able to do the things that we would like to do. You are just experiencing your body not doing what you want at a much younger age than the rest of us."
"Yeah I guess that's true. We get older at some point and that gives our bodies limits," I said.
He pointed to the cage and said, "Do you see that your cage is right next to the Savior?"
"Yeah it's true, it's really close," I replied.
John said, "Alisa, the Savior knows exactly how you feel. He knows that you want another child so badly and that you feel like your body is broken. He wants you to come to him and be comforted by him. Also, your self worth jewels are not by the cage, and are on the total opposite side of the Savior. Your self worth is NOT determined by what your body can or cannot do! Our souls and spirits are who we are, not our bodies. When we die and we are separated from our bodies, who we are doesn't die because it's with our spirit.
"Where is the Savior facing?"
I looked and said, "He's facing all the things that represent Jeff, Landon, my family and the great things I have in my life."
"Yes, he is," he said. "The Savior is here to comfort, help, heal and strengthen you, but he also wants you to focus on the wonderful things that you have in your life. You have so many things to be grateful for and that you can fill your life with."
He continued, "You need to keep telling yourself that you are not your body! Your worth doesn't lie in your ability to have children or not. Look at the couple adoring that little baby that you put right there.
"Do you think that they tell that baby 'We love you so much, but not as much if your body doesn't work right?'"
I laughed and said, "No way, that's DEFINITELY not true."
He paused and said, "Do you think these parents would say, 'You are worth so much to us, but only if you can have children.'"
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I realized that that's how I felt about myself, but that's certainly NOT how Jeff or my family felt about me. "No," I said, "That child still has infinite worth. He or she is a child of God, and is their child, and will always have great and infinite worth no matter what their body is or isn't capable of."
He reminded me that this is the mentality that I need to have and I need to keep reminding myself that my worth is not my body. I know my battle isn't over, but this reminder has already helped me so much even just in the last few days!
I wanted to share this brief story with you not to gain sympathy or pity, but to remind any of you out there who are struggling that YOU HAVE GREAT WORTH! We are all children of our Heavenly Father, and your abilities DO NOT define you or the amount of love that you have or deserve. Heavenly Father and Christ will always love you no matter what, and you are NEVER worthless - it is not possible for you to be worthless as his child! We all have our struggles, and the one person who will always understand you is our Savior - he wants to help you, dry your tears and heal you, and all you need to do is turn to him and lay your burdens at his feet.
Jeff and I are in the middle of a long journey that we have traveled once before, and are heartbroken to be on this journey again, but we also know that everything will work out and that God will keep his promises to us. I know we will have another child because we have been promised it, and I know that our Heavenly Father's plan and timing for us is much better than what we want for ourselves. I am so grateful for the knowledge of the gospel, and for the infinite atonement of our Savior so that he can help and heal us perfectly and that we can return and live with Him and our Father again.
